51 Bastards and Counting
by UndergroundFanfiction
Summary: A story written by two hardcore Hetalia fangirls about America and all of his children, the 50 states, Washington D.C., and Puerto Rico. Join Alfred and his family on all of their ups and downs and learn what it is like to be a TRUE kid of America!
1. A message from the Hero

Hey everybody! My name is Alfred F. Jones, but most people know me as America, THE HERO. I'm sure you also know that my twin brother is Canada and that my dad is England. But, what most people don't know is that I have _a lot_ of kids (even England didn't know about them for a while and it was so funny when he found out, the look on his face man). Oh yeah, when I say _a lot,_ I don't mean like five or whatever, I mean one for everyone of my states plus Washington D.C. That's 51 kids dude! Also, Puerto Rico is my foster kid, but honestly I don't think he likes me very much anymore ( I sort of screwed shit up for him), but because I'm a good parent I still try to be his hero like I am for all my other kids. It's hard to be a father to all these kids, but _I am_ the hero, so it works out in the end (Canada says I need help, but don't listen to him he's just a maple hat, hahahahaha).

All my kids are great little shining stars, but like everyone they do have their downsides and can be a little troubled… It's best not to have them all together in the same place, keep them in groups, north with the north, south with the south, east with the east, west with the west, etc. ( I really should have listened to my bro George 'bout the no political party thing… whops)

Um...anyway, I decided that it's about time the world knows more about my awesome kids and our amazing family. So here is this badass novella starring our dope selves! Like any family we have our rough patches and have had our feuds, and I did warn you they can be big trouble. So, I guess it's time for the Kids of America!

Oh God, I hear them fighting right now about what should go first and what order is the _right_ order, this book is probably gonna end up being so random and disorganized, sorry. Gotta go and break up this fighting before it triggers another civil war, come on Tony we've got work to do.

Bye dudes! And God Bless me

Alfred F. Jones, America


	2. Rhode Island has Issues

Rhode Island Fact: The people of Rhode Island were the first to take action against the English by sinking the British ship "The Gaspee"

* * *

I'm sick of it, I just can't stand being ignored! I understand you have "big issues" that a small state like me does not have to face, but that miniscule fact gives you no right to toss me aside and force me out of conversation. I'm older than practically ALL OF YOU. I was here at the start of our beautiful nation, I have fought through all of our wars and have watched our family bloom. However, as I stand here today I can't help but feel that I am an irrelevant. A relative whose opinion is barely worth acknowledging — let alone listening to.

I have watched for centuries as many of you have grown closer and closer together, and with every triumph or emotional hurdle; I have been cheering, for most of you, from the sidelines, offering you advice, a shoulder to cry on, and acting as a good big brother should. Yet, when everything is working out and all of you are happy, you forget that I exist. After all this time, all our years together, I cannot recall a single instance of any of you inviting me, just me, out for coffee or to "hang out". Countless times each of you have pushed me to the edge of conversation forcing me to walk behind you in the road. Years of this has made me into the lonely and antisocial state I am today. Don't look at me that way, with that blatant pity in your eyes. I don't want that nor do I not deserve that. All I desire is that you shut your fat mouths, allow me to fairly share my opinion, and to not treat me like I am a child.

* * *

Rhode Island is small for his age and has the smallest land out of all his siblings. He is often ignored or forgotten by his siblings, but is a member of the original thirteen. He joined the union May 29, 1790.


	3. Kids! GET OFF MY LAWN!

Maryland Fact: Maryland's Mount Clare Station, built in Baltimore in 1830, was the first railroad station in the United States.

* * *

At around 5 am in London, Maryland quickly scurried to her grandfather's door. The door of Arthur Kirkland, the United Kingdom. After looking behind her she softly knocks the door. She waits a minute but there is no response. Maryland then breathed a relieved sigh and turns around to leave. Accidentally tripping on and breaking something by England's door, creating a large crashing noise. Lights are then turned on in the house and loud stomping and slight cursing is heard on the other side of the door. An annoyed England swung his door open investigating the noise.

"Who the bloody fuck is making so much noise?" He says bitterly, " I swear if it's you again Ireland I'm going-"

Arthur spots Maryland kneeling by the broken mess and points to her, " Now who the bloody hell are you?!"

Maryland mumbles a timid sorry while trying to fix what she broke, but her attempts don't work and it shatters once again breaking into even more pieces. Mumbling another sorry, Maryland gets to leave just as a tried looking Frenchman joins his English companion, "Who's at the door Arthur?"

"Just some bloody drunk git," Arthur leans against the door frame and goes back to yelling at Maryland, "Get out of here before you break something else."

"But-" Maryland realizes that getting England's help wasn't going to happen, "Yes, of course, I'll just go."

"Arthur Kirkland, you will do no such thing. You are not throwing this poor girl into the streets. She's probably lost," Francis stops Maryland, "Are you lost mon cher?"

"No, I just..." She trails off.

"No matter, come inside," France tells her, "Arthur will make his tea."

"I will do no such thing!"

"Fine then I'll make some coffee," Francis walks out and gingerly puts his arm around Maryland and leads her inside, "Now why is such a pretty little thing like you out there all alone?"

"Well, I'm not lost," she pauses, "I just need to speak to Mr. England. I'm one of Alfred's kids and-"

Arthur stops her before she could finish, "Well you didn't have to go breaking my house now did you!" he scolded, "I should have guessed that you were Alfred's. Creating a scene like that...You Americans have to always be at the center of attention."

"Calm down Arthur, I'm sure it was just an accident. Now what did you want to ask Arthur?"

"Actually...It was kinda private," Maryland made quick eye contact with Francis before looking down intently at her shoes.

"Oh," Francis gave her a pat on the back and headed towards the kitchen, "I'm just going to go make some coffee then."

"Fuck, I'm going to be hearing about this for months now," Arthur looked over at Maryland to see her still staring down at the ground, "Well, come on then, we haven't got all day." Arthur leads her over to the couch.

"Well, you see, there's this thing..." she pauses.

Arthur just shakes his head, "What did America do now. That lad is always up to no good."

"No, it's not Dad...it's just I have this thing...and you see I don't really know how to deal with it. I didn't know anyone else I could go to. I just really need your help."

"Help with what, darling?"

"Well...I"

"Good God, you're not trying to rebel against Alfred, are you?"

"Um..." Maryland gets up nervously and starts backing up towards the kitchen.

"WHAT ThE BLOODY HELL Is WRONG WITH YOU? ASKING ME tO HELP YOU REBEL AGAInST MY OWN BLOODY SON! I KNOW HOW MUCH REBELLIoN FUCKInG HURTs A PERSON! I JUSt HoPE ThAT ALFreD NEVER HEARs aBOUT THIS BECAUSe It WOULD HaVE BrOkEn HIS FuCKiNg HeArt! NOW GeT tHE out!" While in his rage, Arthur throws a vase in her direction just as France is walking out.

"What is going on?" Francis sees the vase and cringes, but a few seconds later he looks up to see the vase run into an invisible wall and shatter. Arthur runs to Francis to make sure he's alright, "Merci Arthur, you saved my beautiful face from injury."

"It wasn't me darling," They look up to see Maryland making a shield with her arms. Arthur feels the invisible wall and senses the magical aura coming off of her. "Bloody hell."

* * *

Maryland and her sister Pennsylvania are the most motherly out of all the states. Maryland and Massachusetts used to be very close growing up, but due to some unfortunate circumstances can never see eye to eye anymore and tend to get into arguments whenever together for too long. Maryland is often called "Mary" by her family and she joined the union April 28, 1788.


	4. Don't Say 1812: Part 1

Fact: The White House was burned down by Canadian soldiers during the War of 1812 (in 1814).

* * *

Rioting, fighting, cursing, and shouting, erupted from America's backyard. Tables and chairs, assorted meats and cheeses, napkins and utensils, melted ice cream and birthday cake littered the ground. This huge show of a commotion took place beneath the booms and flashes of fireworks in the sky on the night between July 2nd and 3rd. But, this wasn't an abnormal scene for this hot headed troupe, these string of events happened every year on this very night (or whenever everyone is together, which doesn't happen often for safety reasons). Whether it be cousin on cousin or sibling on sibling attacking one another, the atmosphere is beef for personal, political, or patriotic reasons, the children of the North American Twins, Canada and America, can never seem to be anywhere together without fighting (which is a pain in the ass for holidays).

America and Canada sat on the back porch of the house where their joint birthday barbecue was being held, watching the annual scene that played out in front of them.

"Why does someone always have to mention 1812? "Canada asked exhaustively.

"I don't know, dude," America answered, "it's like they want to fight whenever they're together, because they know that 1812 is the trigger, someone always says it. "

"So, why do we even bother anymore? We all know what will happen. " Canada said gesturing to the scene in front of him.

Alfred smirked and placed his hand on his brother's shoulder. "We try every year because you're my brother and I like celebrating our birthday together. Anyway, it's nice having the family altogether, they miss each other," just as America finished his statement, Louisiana was seen in front of the twins yelling at Quebec in French and trying to choke him with Mardi Gras beads.

"You call that missing each other?" Canada said sarcastically, America wisely kept quiet. Canada continued talking, "you say you like having the whole family together, why not invite France and England? "

America answered immediately, "France would ruin everything by bringing Spain and Prussia along, who will bring the rest of the world, and England is just a sourpuss, party pooper, stick in the mud this time of year. "

"See! " Canada exclaimed, "you put in all that effort to keep those two out of it, why can't we just celebrate our birthday on the official days separately and on this in between day, you and I can go out for a quiet, peaceful dinner. "

"I don't know… I guess it's because I don't like giving up," Alfred punched Matthew's arm which caused the Canadian to flinch. "Especially on my family."

"What a family we have right Koomijoomi," Canada muttered to his polar bear.

"Who are you?" Kumajiro asked his master.

"Oh…" Sighed a disappointed Canada, "I'm-"

The backdoor behind the twins swung open and a heavily accented French voice, "He is Canada you silly bear".

The twins turned around in awe and a startled Alfred pushed his drooping glasses to the bridge of his nose, while his brother grasped Kumajiro tightly and gulped.

The flamboyant Frenchman, Francis or better known to his sons as papa. Waltzed onto the porch and embraced his two children, "Mes enfants, oh have I missed you so," Francis pinched Canada's checks and chided his former territory, " You look pale, I told you to stop with the maple syrup! And Alfred!"

Francis moved over to Alfred and clasped his hands, "You are as pink as ever I see. Now have you tried any of the recipes I sent you. You know what I say, eat a burger wind up?" Francis raised his finger and waited for Alfred to answer the rhyme he, Alfred, despised.

Alfred, still stunned at his step father's surprise visit, muttered, "Murdered."

Francis clapped in jubilee and kissed Alfred on his cheeks, " You remembered! Now let me get both of your gifts. I left them in the car with Arthur." Francis waved at the two before exiting the porch into the house.

"Arthur?" Canada and America whispered in unison. The two jumped out of their seats and began to bicker with each other in hushed tones, praying to Pangea that their children didn't overhear them.

"Why are they here?" Canada muttered.

"I don't know man, but if we don't get this under control, shit is about to get real…" The two looked over at the monstrous hoard that was their children, " I don't think we even want to know what they'll do if they actually have their anger stimulated by the source of the… you know what," Alfred whispered.

"What are we going to do?" Canada said anxiously.

"I know, we can say that they are our second great uncles, that are micro nations, thrice removed."

"Alfred that's not going to work."

"The plans of a hero are never not clear!" Alfred cheered as he raised his fist in the air triumphantly .

Before Canada could gently inform Alfred that his plan sucked, the door opened and Francis leapt out of in a marvelous devlopé and landed in fifth position. Behind him waddled Arthur who was carrying a mountain of gifts. He nodded towards his two children and they, in a daze, waved back.

Francis smiled in delight at his sons before his focus shifted to the oblivious states and territories waging war in the backyard. Francis Clucked in distaste at Matthew and Alfred , "How dare you two allow your children to go on like this? Oh well, as a present to the both of you I will fix this situation. Arthur take the boys inside."

Arthur rolled his eyes and complained, "I'm not obeying your orders FROG! The only reason I am doing what you are asking me to is because our plans happen to run parallel."

"Of course Arthur."

Arthur gingerly set the presents to his side and grabbed the earlobes of his two adult children, Alfred's weak point is his earlobes once adversely affected, any attempt of restraint would prove futile, and dragged them inside as they squealed like pigs in pain.

With a smile Francis clapped his hands together and hollered at the disrespectful youths, "Guess who it is my darlings?" At hearing the frenchman's voice all fighting amongst the cousins stopped dead in their tracks: choke holds loosened, fists unclenched, leaving only the fireworks up above to be heard.

"You children should be ashamed of yourselves! Fighting like this on your Father's birthday is disrespectful," Francis elegantly sat on of the chairs left abandoned on the porch and patted his lap gently "Now come here, and tell your Grand-pere why you are so angry?"

Louisiana threw her Mardi Gras beads onto the ground and was the only one of the states and territories to move towards Francis. Their heads turned to her as she marched past.

The exact moment Francis realized that the person approaching him was Louisana was clear to all those present. His normally exuberant aura melted away leaving the nation looking pained. Francis raised his hand to his mouth and ran to the angry state's side. She, however, ignored him and continued to walk straight in front of her to the back door.

" Louie-May wait." Francis pleaded

Louisiana, with a desperate Francis by her side, continued to walk to the back door. Without making eye contact she stopped in her tracks leaving her hand on the knob, "No we are not doing this," sneered Louisiana while squeezing the knob so hard that her fingers turned white, " I'm talking to DAD and then I am gone."

Francis reached out to touch her shoulder but he was brushed away by a disgusted Louisiana, "Ne me touche pas !" Louie-May opened and then slammed the back door behind her.

Francis stood there for a moment wringing his hands, and attempting to hold back his tears, his shame leaving the young states around him wondering how the hell they were supposed to react in this given situation.

Colorado then turned his head over to Quebec, who had crawled under picnic table and equipped himself with a metal serving platter after being freed by Louisiana. The two made eye contact and in his usual stoned daze Colorado asked "Hey, Frenchie, do you know why my bae Louie is in a dizzy?"

"I am French CANADIAN!" Quebec clarified while he held his platter defensively, "Which is a lot different from that dinosaur over there."

"Excusez-moi?" Francis retorted.

"Also," Quebec ranted, he began to crawl out from under the table and then stood in front of the legendary stoner, Colorado, "what makes you think I know anything about (air quotes) 'Louie-May'. She is AMERICAN TRASH who one time, defeated my family's army on her home turf and now will never let me forget about it!"

"Look Queie," said Colorado who held his hands up in the air, "I just was asking, buddy."

Quebec scowled "ok buddy" and he hit Colorado in the head with the platter causing Colorado to fall on the ground unconscious, "That's what you get for eating all the pancakes you stoner. Maybe if you Americans wouldn't have legalized marijuana like we have you wouldn't do it so-" Quebec was jumped by California and the two began wrestling on the ground.

"Rocky may be high but so am I!" California yelled as he climbed on top of Quebec and started to make Quebec slap himself.

This act of violence caused a chain reaction and soon all the states were once again at each other's throats. Francis sighed and then began to take of his jacket and gently folded it on the chair beside him, "It's been a long time since I've gone into battle," Francis muttered. He rubbed his hand together before charging into the minefield ahead.

To be continued...

* * *

New Jersey is the most dangerous fighter at these family gatherings as she is know to pull her hair extension off and use nail files as darts. Everyone is terrified of her but no one will admit it as that will set off her narcissism. On the Canadian side of things Nova-Scotia is also very violent at gatherings going all out with a battle ax and face paint representing the barbaric of their Scottish heritage.


	5. Every Pie has 2 Parts: Crust and Filling

Fact: The first Thanks Giving was in Massachusetts

* * *

Massachusetts and Maryland bounded up to England's front door carrying a decent sized cardboard box with air holes in it. Both with troubled looks on their faces.

England answered the door and invited them inside. France, seated on the couch sipping tea, greeted them as well.

Once settled, England filled the silence, "Well children, what brings you two over all of a sudden?"

"We need your help," Maryland answer.

"Yeah, Mary fucked up big time," Massachusetts added with a laugh. Maryland hit him and the siblings began to fight.

While they continued to fight, France came up with an idea and whispered it to England. Then he stood up, "Stop!" He demanded, "Both Arthur and I want to know what is going on, so I'll take Massachusetts into one room and Arthur will take Maryland into another and we'll interrogate you separately. Then, we'll reconvene out here and figure out how to fix whatever it is that seem to be troubling you. Ça va?" He paused, there were no complaints, "Bien."

With that, the two parties left to separate rooms to begin the inquisition, leaving the box where it sat.

o-o

"Whatever ol' clam breath Masshole says, don't believe him, it wasn't my fault," Maryland said confidently to her granddad. She paused to think before continuing, "Maybe a little bit, it was my magic, but he's to blame too. Massachusetts is as much involved with this as I am. Maybe even more considering he kinda started it."

o-o

"Why can't that girl control herself," complained Massachusetts to France, his tone full of aggravation, "I used to hate witches and magic (and I'm thinking I still do). But, over the years I've sorta come to terms with Maryland being a witch, don't get me wrong we still fight like hell, but the whole witch thing was something I was starting to accept," Massachusetts went off on a tangent, lost in thought, "When she first told me what she was, I felt betrayed, I was betrayed. However, as time past, I realized there was nothing I could do. But, this stunt Mary pulled reminded me why I hated witches and why magic is bad and for the COMMMIES."

France cut in before he could continue, "Mon cher, everything will be très bon in the end, just tell moi everything that happened, s'il vous plaît"

"We are going to be in so much trouble," Massachusetts sayed while leaning back and looking up at the ceiling.

o-o

"...Rowland and I have always fought; Dad says he has a short temper like you," England rolled his eyes at Maryland's comment, "But the majority of the fighting has been since he found out I was a witch. We just have such different views on everything and I just wanted things to go back to how they were," her rambling continued, " I was also so close to getting him to accept magic. But this has really screwed me over and he's blaming it all on me."

England reached out and put a hand on her shoulder signaling Maryland to stop talking, "Darling, we haven't got all day, this isn't some tell all couples' therapy session, can you please just tell me what happened?"

o-o

"...Anyway," Massachusetts continued, "this is what happened. I had invited Dad over for dinner after his meeting, being the good son that I am. I even was going to make some of my famous clam chowder. But, of course that nosey witch heard what I was doing and was all, 'Ooh, that sounds like fun! I'll bring pie.' I didn't even invite her over and who would wants pie from a witch anyway, it's probably poisoned for God's sake. And, yeah, we were trying to fix our relationship, but she still betrayed me in the past and it's gonna take more than some pie to fix it. Mary just can't be inviting herself over to other people's houses unwanted."

o-o

Maryland took a deep before continuing, "...When I got there he was all like, 'No one wants your poisoned witch pie.' UGGG! I can't believe he thought my pie was poisoned!" She practically shouted, aggravated, " No, actually I can, it's so like him to make those kind of assumptions about me. Sure, I admit that it wasn't my place to invite myself over, but I hadn't seen Dad in a while and I thought Massachusetts and I were on better terms. I even made pie! But boy was I wrong about that."

o-o

Massachusetts leaned forward in his seat, very into the tell of the event, "...So, Dad's meeting was over and he was at my house and we were eating the clam chowder out of bread bowls with some Boston Baked Beans on the side sharing a couple of Sam Adams. And let me tell ya, it was delicious. I even had some Boston Cream Pie in the fridge for dessert because no one wants poisoned witch pie. Then we heard loud banging at the door interrupting our amazing meal. I excused myself from the table to answer the door because I have manners unlike some people. And lo and behold it's my sister with her poisoned pie rambling on about some trolls or something."

o-o

"...As I was was finishing up my pie at home, I got side track by an elf emergency. You know how elves are, they're always burning down some tree baking cookies…" England gave Maryland a look notifying her that she's getting off topic again, "Anyway, I was a little late arriving at Mass's house. So, when I got there I told him what had happened and apologized for my tardiness, and while I'm doing that he's just standing in the doorway with a bitch look on his face. I started to get a little heated wondering why he wasn't letting me in. But, just before any serious fighting, Dad comes over wondering what's taking my brother so long. Masshole finally moved over, letting me inside. I gave dad a hug and showed him the pie tin telling him that I made cherry pie."

o-o

"...Of course I was blocking the door on purpose," Massachusetts said in a matter of fact tone even though no one was asking, "It was funny seeing her starting to get mad. Then Dad came over so I finally moved to let her in. She then got all rainbows and sunshine, perfect daughter mode taking with Dad. I'm just standing in the background watching her fakeness and drinking my beer. Then all I did was chuckle softly to myself and called her a phoney under my breath, but I guess I wasn't as quiet as I thought I was because next thing I know Mary is going all Hulk on me."

o-o

"...He was sooo rude calling me phony. I called him out on it, we exchanged a few choice words, he calls me Bloody Mary a few times, and before you know it a classic Maryland Massachusetts fight breaks out. Dad tried to intervene a few times, but he wasn't stopping us. The fight continued a little longer, then I exploded, my anger literally made me erupt magic. BAM!"

o-o

"...Bam! That soulless ginger tried to use magic on me in my own house. But what she didn't know is that I wear I magic protection charm. I am a witch hunter after all, I can't be vulnerable to magic. But because of my protection charm, her magic ricochet off-"

Massachusetts was cut off and all conversation stopped in the house because of a loud cry coming from the house's main room. Both parties returned to the room. All color drained from Maryland and Massachusetts' faces when they made eye contact with each other knowing what the now whimpering noise was that was coming from the box in the room.

"What's in the box?" France asked the states. They remained unresponsive, just staring at the box.

"Well I want to know what the bloody hell is going on," with that England walked over to the box and aggressively opened it.

"ENGWAND!" A small body of fabric and blond hair erupted from the box and latched itself to the confused Brit's body. The small body was of a boy Mr. England hasn't seen in a very long time.

"We are so screwed," Maryland and Massachusetts said in unison.

* * *

When the thirteen were younger, Alfred would always serve dessert before dinner just to show off all the power he had as a newly independent Nation. Also, he was a new dad to thirteen and it was the only sure way he knew to get all the kids to settle for dinner.


End file.
